20 Weeks and Christmas

Today is Christmas and I am 20 weeks!!! How crazy is that?!?!? Everything has been going so well. We are here in KS. spending time with my family. I have to share my niece =( but I have gotten to hold her and love on her ALOT. Thank goodness for a brother and sister-in-law who let me love on her like that! They could be one of those couples that never let any family hold their kids. AND for never having seen my mom hold a baby she sure loves to hold Aspen =) My poor Dad hasn't been feeling the best (even though mom and I think it is allergies) he doesn't want to take the chance and it has been hard on him not being able to hold her. We got to stay the night with Jerrad and Alyssa last night and it is amazing to see how they have grown as a couple. I love knowing that the only brother I have is very well taken care of and loved. My poor little puppy doesn't know what to do when I have the baby, it takes away from her time and she pouts but she will go to David for comfort until I am available again. =) Today I am 20 weeks and even though it felt like this pregnancy was going to take forever at the beginning it has flown by. We had an ultrasound here with my home doctor but his machine is old and we couldn't see anything so I have another u/s in Jan sometime. I'm not sure though if we wil tell people or not. I have several bugging me but we will see.... I have felt the baby move so much more now and although I haven't felt the baby from the outside David has and I am glad for that. After being around Jerrad, Alyssa and Aspen-it makes me feel better about having a baby, and makes me more excited each day. I can't believe that I have less than five months left!!!

My first week off in a long time..

My first week off has been wonderful! I have been able to clean (and I mean completely go through/tear apart and put back together) our hall closet, both bathrooms (that includes hand scrubbing the floors) and the kitchen. Also this year David and I decided to do a traditional Thanksgiving dinner and we had fun making it together. Yesterday we went Black Friday shopping and was able to finish all of our Christmas shopping. We also have all gifts wrapped and are ready to go for Christmas! I am so excited for December to get here! On the 8th I have another appoinment and hopefully another u/s. On the 11th we have our anual church Christmas Dinner. On the 14th I will hopefully get to go home to Kansas to be at the birth of my first niece or nephew! I have five nephews and two nieces on David's side of the family but this is MY first and my brother and sister in-law's first baby! Also my home doctor and the doctor my s-i-l works for is going to give me an ultrasound while I am at home and we are hoping to find out the gender then and it will be fun for my family to see the baby. Also I will be 20 weeks on Christmas day which is a big milestone. It is hard to believe that I only have 5 months left and I am looking forward to the day I get to bring my baby home! Thank God for the many blessings he has given us!

Update-11/26/09

Once again it has been awhile since I have blogged....I am finally done long-term subbbing!! It was a good but trying experience by the time I was done David and I both were getting grumpy with each other and tired of me not being home. Like I said it was a good experience but very trying. Our other thing is that we found out that we are expecting again-we actually found that out the beginning of September so I am now four months pregnant tomorrow. I have had four ultra sounds and we only have one more doctor to meet. We are going to the Ob-Gyn Consultants where there are four Obs and one Midwife. After everything that happened with Keagen I didn't want another midwife touching me but she walked in and we got along great! I believe that she could deliver our little one. Our first two U/S were to make sure the pregnancy was viable and that everything was going okay. So far everything has went really good. I really haven't gained anything and hope not to. I also had a first trimester screening and it is for Downs Sydrome and also Tisomony? There is always a one in whatever chance that your child will have it but they had told me that it had to be 1/270 for me to have more test and to be worried. I finally got my blood work back and it is 1-20,700 for Downs and 1/27,000 for the other one. It is nice to have doctors who are going to be extra careful on everything!

Update

It has ben awhile since I have blogged. Things are still pretty much the same and yet so different. I am still subbing for Ms. Harris (she is suppose to be back Nov. 2nd but people say I will finish out the semester). The biggest change?...Last Sunday morning/Saturday night we got a phone call saying that David's Bother-in-law had been killed in an accident. This hurt our family ALOT! Luke was 28 almost 29 years old, married to Rebecca (David's sister) who is 24, leaving behind not only Rebecca but two children Abigail 13 months, and Andrew who at the time was two weeks old now three. This has always been my biggest fear was that something would happen to David and I would be left alone with children to raise. After seeing God's grace all over Becca I know that it wouldn't be easy but I too could carry on like she has. Even though this would seem as an untimely death in our human eyes God has control and we got to see him work through this "tragedy". I am reminded again of the grace that God gives to us new every day and all we have to do is take it and lean on it.
"The will of God will never lead you where the grace of God cannot carry you through."

Long Term Subbing

I have been subbing since the fourth for this one teacher. She found out the day before school started that she has breast cancer and I believe she had the surgery yesterday and starts radiation Monday. Anyhow I am scheduled for her through the 22nd but I think most likely I will finish the week out (25th). The kids the last couple of days have been crazy! I have one problem child... He goes to our church..... So last week I had, had enough of his goofing around and it made me cry-His grandma got called in and ended up taking him home. After school I went over to their house and got things straightened out-we all agreed that I was too emotionally attached. So Tuesday she came to school with him and sat there with him as a part of his punishment. Come to find out today it wasn't punishment to him, he thought it was great! So today he ask her to come to school with him and of course she says no so...... This morning he cuts on his desk with his scissor-I make him sign the behavior chart. Then this afternoon I have the three other kids that are in his group say that he said the "sh" word (and no it's not shut-up-I asked and he admitted to say it). Well he said that the girl next to him said "(T) poopy pants-pass it on" all three kids denied that. He didn't believe me when I told him that and so went back to his desk and said " (H) pooped her pants-pass it on" He had been mouthing me through out the day and not listening so I told him that was not right and sent him to the office. Grandma came t pick him up and she was ticked!!! The principal said I did right and he doesn't even know what to do with this kid anymore! Oh and the rest of the class had a hard time settling down today but once again after (T) leaves the quiet down a little more. Oh yeah the whole class is tired of him being in there because one of us teachers is always having to get on to him and the class is getting tired of it! Any suggestions?! or comments?

Figured it out!!

Okay so I decided that my mom was really stressed and so it is just better to talk to Marm and leave mom out of it =) So I talked to Marm and she told me to keep the days at work and that we would spend as much time together as possible. BUT it actually worked out that I now have Wednesday off so hopefully Papa and Marmie will take their time getting here and will get in tomorrow so they can stay tomorrow night and I can show Papa our sleepy little town on Wednesday!
Today went pretty good at work-alot better than I had thought it would! I hope my cold goes away so I can have my normal voice back and my throat will stop hurting.
Anywho just thought I would let my two readers =) know that it has worked out? I hope =) oh and for Alyssa... I agree-David and Papa wouldn't do real good together for very long ;-) that's why it wasn't even an option for David to go with us if I had taken them to CA. =)
Hope you all have a wonderful week full of God's blessings and grace!

What to do...

OKay so on my facebook profile I put that I love my job because if you do your best & try hard that you will get called back. So there is a teacher who just found out (like right before school started) that she has breast cancer. Last year she would always try to request me but I was always booked for another class. So this year started off-the first four days of school & I sub two of them! both are in her class-one for her & the other for a s.p.e.d student who is in her class & needs an E.A. with him at all times. So b/c I have been in her class & am one of her favorite subs she requested that I be the sub to take over while she has radiation therapy & surgery for almost two weeks (if everything goes well...). Here's my problem: At the begining of this week my mom called me to ask if I would be willing to drive my grandparents to CA for a funeral & I was willing to drop everything to take them. As it turns out Papa said they would be fine & Marm said that they would stop through on their way home.... So! I have no clue when they are planning on heading home (they have an idea but with Papa you never know!) Marm told me not to worry about trying to take days off for them being here but that they would take whatever time they could. So then all of this comes up with this teacher & so I called my mom about it & told her that I need to know when Papa & Marmie are planning on coming through (cause I am booked every day for the next three almost four weeks!). My mom got upset with me!! What do I do?!?!?

The End of August

Well it is almost the end of August and school has started. I have worked two of the first four days and I have tow days lined up for next week. This week is kind of up in the air right now because I am waiting for my grandparents to call me back to see if I am going to CA or not. My great-aunt Julia passed away this last week and my grandparents are planning on driving down for the funeral and I really don't want Marm to have to drive with those cray California drivers, so I may be driving them down-we'll see.
On another note because it is the end of August I feel obligated to let people know that David and I will be taking a two month break from "trying" because that would land delivery in June/July of next year and those aren't the best months for us to be having a baby. So for September and October there will be a break.
I am excited about going back to work. I'm not sure why I love substituting so much but I love being around the kids and the different teachers. I have made so many friends in the community through all of this and it makes me feel good to know that I know people outside of church and that I'm not so totally consumed with church stuff that I have lost focus of the community. There are alot of great people out there, you just have to reach out and say Hi once in a while.
Here's a story for you... David and I needed the schedules for the upcoming sports season and our passes for all the games (which saves us a ton of money BTW) and so we headed to the high school! As we walk we are immediately recognized and one of the secretaries looks at David and says... "They are on the wall" =) She knew exactly what we were there for and as we left she also told us that she would see us around at all the games. I guess this makes me thankful that my husband isn't the type to just sit around waiting for teens to walk in the door. He wants to go to all the games, not only to show support for our teens but it allows us to talk to other people and as they get to know us they start thinking about coming to church!
Oh yeah! the end of August also means that fall is coming and that means that the holidays are almost here and I am extra excited about the holidays this year!!! I'm not yet ready for summer to be over with but I am ready for the holidays =)

First 24 Hours of our trip!

okay so I finally have the time and the power to be on the Internet alot today! I have so enjoyed it! =) We left yesterday evening for Denver okay let me back up. David got a letter a month or so ago from a Pastor in Colorado asking him to serve on the ordination counsel for his b-i-l! So we started planning for the trip. Things have been tight money wise because of me not having a job for the summer. But we knew this what God wanted and so we trusted that He would work out the details. Well He Did! Saturday night a couple from our church took us out for supper and we had enough left overs for supper Sunday night before we left for Denver. A huge blessing to add to our trip... Pastor got David a couple of ties! It is like David told me that ti is nice to know that even though things have been crazy lately Pastor still appreciates David and shows him! So that was a blessing! Then... another couple in our church told David that because we were taking a trip for ministry reasons and not just because they wanted to help with the gas-so they gave a some money to help out! PTL!!! We left after church last night and thought we would stop in Raton to sleep a little bit but decided to go on to Tribune where we stopped for a couple of hours. Then continued to Castle Rock where I got to go to the chiropractor (one my mom goes to during the summer) He was awesome! He showed me a scan of how bad my back and ribs were out and did an adjustment then he told me that because my mom is always in there and is always telling people to go there that if I can go back sometime this week to get readjusted it will be free! once again-PTL! I am so extremely tired tonight and I am so ready for bed because it feels like I haven't slept since Saturday night but I am excited for what this week holds and the time I get to spend with family and my husband! Thank the Lord for his goodness and grace!

August...

August... School starts the 18th, we leave the 9th or 10th for Denver for Luke's (David's B-I-L) ordination, (David is serving on the ordination counsel! I am so proud of him!) =) and of course the other things we do as a part of our position with the church. Can't say that this next month will be extremely busy but I'm not sure that it(life) will ever slow down. I am ready for school to start. I am ready to feel like I am a part of the community again. I love subbing! I have been thankful for the summer and all that we have done and the time I have gotten to be at home but I am ready to go back to work. Things have been tough without the extra income. David and I have talked about me getting a full-time job, or David getting a second job cause things have been so tight. I don't want to have to get a full-time job because that would mean that we would have to hold off getting pregnant so that I can get established out in the business world. But I don't want David to have to get a second job either cause then he really will never be home! I am thankful for the job that he has-it allows him to be home at a good time and even if we get called to go help someone or for counseling, or we have games to go he is still home sometime during the day! It could be that he would have a job where he had to work 8 hours a day plus visiting, games, counseling and everything else, but he doesn't, and for that I am thankful! I know the Lord will work out the financial part...
I am extremely excited about going to Denver! We have been saving up for it-oh my word have we been doing good! David and I have cut back on how much we do-we have spent hardly any money this week and both of us have lost some weight because we haven't been going out to restaurants or to the store (you know how when you go to Wal-mart you find something that you shouldn't have but you really want it cause it looks good!?!?!) Anywho... =) We get to be up there almost a week and since we have been saving I get to do a little shopping (not a lot mind you-cause we still have to drive home =} ) but I get to be around family and to be in Denver. We are hoping or at least I am to do some sight seeing along the way but that will depend on wither we leave Sunday or Monday. And..I am hoping that on the way home we get to have lunch with my parents and brother and sister!!! Well I had better get off-this is turning into a book. I haven't really blogger for a while so I have lots of thoughts stored up =) BYE!!!

Tomorrow Part 2

Tomorrow it will be two years since Keagen and my Grandma passed. I'm not sure how to feel about that. I don't know that it really hit me that my grandma had passed until last year. I was still running on shock and grief when we burried Keagen on Thursday (the 26th) and had to drive to Kansas that day to bury my grandma the next day (the 27th)! So I really didn't get to deal with my feelings over losing Grandma. I wasn't really close to her but I know that it was difficult for my family. Whenever I think about Keagen and Grandma I can't help but think about the day they both passed. We had just found a church that was willing to help us out with a place so that we could stop paying for motel rooms (for six people) and we had just gotten settled in (as much as you can) and we were getting ready to head back to the hospital becasue some of the church people had come to visit and we wanted to see Keagen again before we went to evening church service. Right as we were getting ready to load up my Dad gets a call...Grandma (his mom) had just passed. I had tried to make my Dad stay with Pops and Grandma when Keagen was born and everything started to happen but Pops sent him to me. We all knew Grandma's time was limited but it didn't make my descion later that evening any easier. There are times I still feel guilty over my Dad having to lose his mom and his first grandson on the same day but once again God is powerful and has helped my Dad heal in an amazing way.
God is Good All the Time. It is our choice of wither we accept that goodness or not.

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow is my son's 2nd birthday! It is crazy to think that he is two years old! Wow time has flown. I miss him..... I have had people tell me that they miss him too but I'm not sure how much of that to believe-how many of them have actually been out to his grave since he was buried?!?! They talk like they know my son but really?!?! I am thankful though for those who really do care and who have been out there to his grave. I've only heard of our family doing that btw. It still amazes me how he has touched people's lives and how God has given us the grace to get through it. Just the other day my mom said a lady in Denver stopped her and asked how David and I are doing and told her that she still thinks about us and is still amazed at how we handled it all. We didn't handle it...God did. There are times when I can't think straight because of the hurt, there are times when I feel like screaming, or punching something, or just falling on my knees because I don't have the strength to stand, and yet I am still here-all because of God's grace. I don't care anymore what other people think about what happened with Keagen-I don't care that they think that we should have more kids for their pleasure-I have ONE PERFECT SON and he is all that I need if that is what God wants. I don't care anymore that the got their feelings hurt over the timing of his birth, death and burial. They aren't the ones who lost their son. You would think that after two years the pain, hurt and anger would go away but it doesn't. Don't get me wrong God has been good to us and he gives us the grace that we need to get through every day life but sometimes emotions can rear its ugly head and it all comes flooding back. Sometimes the images and pictures come in and I don't know what to do with them.
My husband is still hurting...........He is my number one priority (besides God) and I know people don't always understand the way we do things but they can cut him a little slack can't they?!?! He has so much on his shoulders. I love him so much.
Thank God for my husband and my beautiful baby boy. Happy Birthday Keagen!!! Your mommy loves you and always will.

Update for July

I'm not sure what to blog about except just to do an update. It is officially July! and it is HOT! My in-laws just left this morning after being here for eight and a half days! It was good to have them here! We got to do alot of things here around town that we don't normally get to do-go out on the boat at the lake (that included-fishing, swimming off the boat and just being out on the water) =) we got to go watch the fireworks at the lake!! (amazing!!!!!!!) and we finally got some yard work done. It has felt like lately that we are so consumed with church that our yard and house have been neglected. I mean I get the laundry done and my house has been much cleaner lately but everything else like the yard hasn't been done yet and we finally got to do that! Bambi finally has a back yard that she can go into and we don't have to worry about the big dogs coming through the fence and getting her! It was just good to have my in-laws here!
Camp went really good! I had four girls saved and one of them surrendered to Full Time Christian Service. There is alot of work yet to be done in teaching them how to love the Lord and what it means to know Him and serve Him but I am excited for the future.
Yes it is July and yes David and I are going to start trying. I fear there are still alot of health problems standing in the way of conception but I also know that the Lord will work them out in due time. For now I am happy that I have my husband and my family.

June?!?...

It is June!! (I know we are already almost half way through!!!) It's hard to believe that we are half-way through the year already! As I have laready mentioned before June is busy and holds alot of things in it. 1)We leave tomorrow for camp and thankfully I am packed =) all of my s are packed =) and I can't wait to see what the Lord is going to do. 2) Yesterday was a year from my last chemo treatment! This brings up the subject of babies..... I have been reading my S-I-L blog and she reminds me of why I want to be pregnant again! I want that excitement! But I do not want to forget my son! Next month it will have been two years since he was born and passed away. The other night a lady was making comments about how David and I have been married three years and have no children! I told her we have one and she made it sound like that wasn't good enough! But what if it is?!? What if that is all God intends for us to have?! I am okay with that! Yes I want more but if I have the pleasure of having one perfect and I do mean perfect little boy-than thank the Lord that is all I need! I can honestly say that I have THE Perfect child! In every sense of the word he is perfect and so is the one who created him! I am not going to question God's will ( and Lord willing I still won't if I don't get pregnant). His timing is perfect and he has a reason for every thing! So I am praying extra hard for the patience to deal with the people since we have reached the one year mark and are able to start trying-I don't ever want to push people away becuase they don't realize what they are saying is hurtful "Be ye therefore merciful just as your father is merciful" (Paraphrase) =) Speaking of which-to the two main people who read my blog-I am sorry I have bugged you about finding out the gender of your baby, you do as you wish and I will support you wholeheartedly!!!
So that is my vent for today! =) I will hopefully be able to post some pictures after camp! Have a great week!

Update- 6/9/09

Somtimes I feel like all I ever do is get on here and vent =} oh well I guess that is what blogs are for right?! Just an update... I had my labs this month and my numbers came back good!! I have two more if I don't get pregnant first. This friday it will have been one year since my last chemo treatment and thank the Lord nothing else has come up. A couple of weeks ago I thought maybe something might have been wrong and so did my doctor but we did a couple of x-rays and everything came back okay-it seems I just bruised my ribs and the cartilidge in my chest. (I seem to do that often-second time this year!) We are getting ready to take our teens up to camp this next week and I am praying hard that the Lord will reach our teens and make a huge change. Something I learned from last year is to pray and ask for a change in me also. I am excited to have Bro. Woodcock again and to hear what the Lord has laid on his heart and the heart of the other speakers! After camp David and I are looking into taking a trip in July to see if we can't get some ideas for VBS for our church. I can't wait to see what the rest of the year holds and what the Lord has in store for our lives!

Struggling...

This is one of the words to descibe how I am doing lately. I have been trying to be upbeat and I keep telling myself that your attitude is a choice. You can choose to be happy or upset. I don't know what to do anymore-I am tired of trying. Life hasn't slowed down it has just gotten more insane and I am so tired of dealing with people!!!! If I only got to be around my husband and my teen girls I would be happy but I have to deal with all these stinkin' adults who don't know how to be honest, control their emotions, or how to just be grown adults!!!! I am tired of feeling like I have to be someone I'm not, that I am never good enough, and that I don't have any true friends where I live!!! To be honest, there are days I can see David and I staying in this town for the rest of our lives and other days-I just want to pack up and leave. I know, I know, it is what we do for Christ that counts and he is the only one that we should be concerned with but why do people have to be idiots! I am so tired of being alone. I am tired of not having a friend that I can be me with. I am tired of constantly feeling like I have to watch what I say and do. I am tired of not being around my family. I am tired of feeling like a second rate person. I am tired of hurting................................................................
I miss my son. I am scared of the future. I know that God is All-Powerfull. I Love My Husband. I am thankful for my salvation. I am tired of the pressure. I am struggling........

Today..

Today has been a pretty good day! =) I went to work this morning and because it was a half day for the kids I got to leave at 11:00! Then I went to pick up Nikki and Nina (two girls in our youth group) after school (12:00) and we went back to the church so they could practice a special that we have been trying to work on for a while now! David and I got to take them out for lunch and then they went with me to visit another girl (who really has only come two or three times to church but has been talking about going to camp) to see if she would be interested in starting to come on Sunday nights. It was good to see their willingness to go with me even though we didn't get to visit her (tried both houses and her mom's cell but just couldn't get a hold of her) =( It was fun and they are both talking about inviting other girls to go to camp!!! I can't wait to see how big our group might get this year! God is Good =)

Life...Camp, Parking Lot Sale, and the Craziness Conintues =)

I know I always say that things are extremely crazy around here but it always is!!!! I feel like we haven't slowed down in over a month! We are gearing up for camp and to be honest I am kind of nervous! Last year I had an awesome group of girls and really didn't have to worry about any of them. This year I have three, possibly four new girls going and our youth group is totally different from the group last year. Our youth group has completely change twice in the three years that we have been here. You know-you lose some, you gain new ones and of course little things happen. I want to be a good example to these girls and I want them to be excited about going to camp, meeting new friends and most importantly draw closer to God and possibly make life changing descions. Also to be honest I am a little nervous because it will be the first time that our Pastor and his family will go with us and I really want them to like the camp and see that David and I are trying our hardest to reach these teens and help them grow spiritually and that although we may make mistakes we are still trying our best. The other things that are coming up in our life right now is: school is ending so I am having a girls evening at our house and I really want them to get to know each other and have fun; our parking lot sale is coming up and I really want it to go great! We need the money and the support of the church and community for our teens. AND of course camp!!! It is in four weeks!! I have always loved camp and have started praying for the speakers, the trip, the workers (my mom included) =) and of course our group. If there is one thing that I have ahd to learn over the last couple of weeks is to finally turn things over to God cuase it doesn't do me any good to get worked up and try to figure things out on my own when God has a plan and it is WAY better than anything I could ever come up with! So anywho I had better get off of here-it is turning into a book! =)

One Month...

David and I have one month till I reach the one year mark of my last chemo treatment!! To say the least-God Is Good! My S-I-L sent me a book and it is a prayer journal for pregnancy and it starts two weeks before conception. I love it! I even made David listen to me read the first week to him =) I am determined to listen to God even more when it comes to this pregnancy! God has led David and I through some rough spots in our life but he has always given us the grace to get through. I told my S-I-L that I feel like a first time mom again when I think about getting pregnant again. I don't want to be niave but I believe in my heart that this next pregnancy will be much different than the first two. I am still contemplating wither to tell people right away or not because I want to make sure that everything is okay with the baby first but I also don't want people to get offended if I blow them off for the first month or so. I think about that prayer journal alot and I want to make sure that I pray hard for this pregnancy, that I stay in tune to God and his will for our lives. Thankfully he is all-powerful and knows what we can and can not handle.

God is Good-All of the Time

Monday I needed to vent so I blogged then I checked my e-mail...... In my e-mail was an update on Esther Joy Travis. They have given her days. Everything is shutting down, she is losing her eye sight and her grandma says she has lost alot of weight. Here I am venting about some petti little problem when there is a little girl who is full of life, wanting to serve her Lord and Savior with all of her might, lying in bed suffering from a form of cancer that is rarely cured. How rediculous is that?!? How many times to we get so wrapped up in ourselves that we forget that we aren't the only ones in this world that have problems and that there is usually always someone out there with a bigger problem than you! And yet........... God is Good-All the Time! He has taken our sins and bore them on the cross so that we can spend eternity with him in Heaven and spend our days here on earth sharing with other about him knowing that he is always watching over us. My heart breaks for Esther Joy but I know that very soon she will be pain free and able to play like a little girl with her energy should. What a Day That Will Be-When my Jesus I Shall See. Thank God for his goodness and grace through every trial we face.

Offensive?

Do you ever wonder if you have done something to offend somebody but don't know how to ask? Or wish that if you have that they would let you know so you can fix it? There are times that I get offended with people and don't know hwo to tell them but I get tired of people doing that to me. Wierd huh? Anywho I just needed to vent. I get tired of worrying about if I have offended people or not cause if I have it's obviously not bad enough cause they aren't talking! Oh well. Water off a ducks back attitude right?!?!

Thorns

A friend sent this to me and it means alot to me...
Sandra felt as low as the heels of her shoes when she pulled open the florist shop door, against a November gust of wind. Her life had been as sweet as a spring breeze and then, in the fourth month of her second pregnancy, a "minor" automobile accident stole her joy. This was Thanksgiving week and the time she should have delivered their infant son. She grieved over their loss. Troubles had multiplied. Her husband's company "threatened" to transfer his job to a new location. Her sister had called to say that she could not come for her long awaited holiday visit. What's worse, Sandra's friend suggested that Sandra's grief was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with others who suffer. "She has no idea what I'm feeling," thought Sandra with a shudder "Thanksgiving? Thankful for what?" she wondered.. "For a careless driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-ended me? For an airbag that saved my life, but took my child's?" "Good afternoon, can I help you?" Sandra was startled by the approach of the shop clerk. "I . . . I need an arrangement," stammered Sandra. "For Thanksgiving? I'm convinced that flowers tell stories, " she continued.. "Are you looking for something that conveys 'gratitude' this Thanksgiving?" "Not exactly!" Sandra blurted out. "In the last five months, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong." Sandra regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the clerk said, "I have the perfect arrangement for you." Then the bell on the door rang, and the clerk greeted the new customer..... "Hi, Barbara, let me get your order." She excused herself and walked back to a small workroom, then quickly reappeared, carrying an arrangement of greenery, bows, and what appeared to be long-stemmed thorny roses. Except the ends of the rose stems were neatly s nipped: there were no flowers. "Do you want these in a box?" asked the clerk. Sandra watched - was this a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers! She waited for laughter, but neither woman laughed. "Yes, please," Barbara replied with an appreciative smile. "You'd think after three years of getting the special, I wouldn't be so moved by its significance, but I can feel it right here, all over again," she said, as she gently tapped her chest. Sandra stammered, "Ah, that lady just left with .. . . uh . . . she left with no flowers!""That's right," said the clerk. "I cut off the flowers. That's the 'Special'. I call it the Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet. Barbara came into the shop three years ago, feeling much as you do today," explained the clerk. "She thought she had very little to be thankful for. She had just lost her father; the family business was failing; her son had gotten into drugs; and she was facing major surgery. That same year I had lost my husband," continued the clerk. "For the first time in my life, I had to spend the holidays alone. I had no children, no husband, no family nearby, and too much debt to allow any travel." "So what did you do?" asked Sandra. "I learned to be thankful for thorns," answered the clerk quietly. "I've always thanked God for the good things in my life and I never questioned Him why those good things happened to me, but when the bad stuff hit, I cried out, 'Why? Why me?!' It took time for me to learn that the dark times are important to our faith! I have always enjoyed the 'flowers' of my life, but it took the thorns to show me the beauty of God's comfort! You know, the Bible says that God comforts us when we're afflicted, and from His consolation we learn to comfort others." Sandra sucked in her breath, as she thought about what her friend had tried to tell her. "I guess the truth is I don't want comfort. I've lost a baby and I'm angry with God." Just then someone else walked in the shop. "Hey, Phil!" the clerk greeted the balding, rotund man. "My wife sent me in to get our usual Thanksgiving arrangement . .. twelve thorny, long-stemmed stems!" laughed Phil as the clerk handed him a tissue wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator. "Those are for your wife?" asked Sandra incredulously. "Do you mind telling me why she wants a bouquet that looks like that?" "Four years ago, my wife and I nearly divorced," Phil replied. "After forty years, we were in a real mess, but with the Lord's grace and guidance, we trudged through problem after problem, the Lord rescued our marriage. Jenny here (the clerk) told me she kept a vase of rose stems to remind her of what she had learned from "thorny" times. That was good enough for me. I took home some of those stems. My wife and I decided to label each one for a specific "problem" and give thanks for what that problem taught us." As Phil paid the clerk, he said to Sandra, "I highly recommend the Special!""I don't know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life" Sandra said to the clerk. "It's all too . . fresh." "Well," the clerk replied carefully, "my experience has shown me that the thorns make the roses more precious. We treasure God's providential care more during trouble than at any other time. Remember that it was a crown of thorns that Jesus wore so we might know His love....Don't resent the thorns." Tears rolled down Sandra's cheeks. For the first time since the accident, she loosened her grip on her resentment. "I'll take those twelve long-stemmed thorns, please," she managed to choke out. "I hoped you would," said the clerk gently. "I'll have them ready in a minute." "Thank you. What do I owe you?" "Nothing. Nothing but a promise to allow God to heal your heart...The first year's arrangement is always on me." The clerk smiled and handed a card to Sandra. "I'll attach this card to your arrangement, but maybe you would like to read it first."
It read: "My God, I have never thanked You for my thorns. I have thanked You a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns. Teach me the glory of the cross I bear; teach me the value of my thorns. Show me that I have climbed closer to You along the path of pain. Show me that, through my tears, the colors of Your rainbow look much more brilliant." Praise Him for the roses; thank Him for the thorns. God Bless all of you. Be thankful for all that the Lord does for you. "Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, and leave the rest to God.." We often try to fix problems with WD-40 and Duct tape. God did it with nails.

6 Weeks Left!

A couple of days ago I tried blogging about this and the internet went down! =( Anywho things have been kind of difficult around here. For one we are so stinkin' busy I don't know which way is up. There have been times I get so overloaded that I shut down-I can't play the piano right, I mess up when I'm cooking, and forget trying to go to work. The other is there are TONS of women around me that are pregnant! I don't mind it so much except for the fact that both my husband and I are getting baby fever. We are currently 6 weeks from it being a year since my last chemo treatment. The doctors had told us that we needed to wait at least a year before starting to try getting pregnant again. With everyone being pregnant it has been getting harder and it has been causing stress between David and I. Last night we finally got to talk about it and get things out in the open. We are both ready but I know that we need to wait till June and then we will go from there. Both of us are getting tired of watching everyone becoming parents for the first, second......... time. We wish it to be our turn. I am very happy for those who have shared with me that they are expecting but at the same time I am ready for some happiness of our own. I am ready for children of our own so that people stop treating us like young honeymooners! I'm glad that we are still young but we ARE parents it's just that people can't visually see our parenthood. I am ready to change a diaper, to bring home my own baby, to be able to lay on our bed and cuddle with our little one. I am ready to continue our little family.

One Deceased Person

My S-I-L did this one and it made me think-so here goes...
Like her I have several.
One deceased person
Prompt: If you could bring any deceased person back to life for one day, whom would you choose? What would you do or say to them?

1.) My Son-Keagen Ty Phillips
I would hold him so much! Like Alyssa I would take tons of pictures and some really awesome family pictures. I would take him to church to show him off and let his three favorite aunts (A.B, M.P, & E.D.)hold him. I would tell him over and over how much his mommy loves him and will always miss him.

2.) My Uncle-Mike Klassen
I miss him at times and I know that he was only human but I would like for him to meet my husband and be able to pick his brain of all his biblical knowledge. I would want him to spend the day with his kids and wife too.

3.) Granny-My Great-Grandmother
I miss being with her-I wish I could have spent more time with her.

My Bubba

I'm not exactly sure how to start this and excuse me if I get all mushy. I "borrowed" this picture from my s-i-l (who is a great photographer by the way!). This is a picture of my brother's hands. I would like to do a challenge in June for "Men in My Life" so this might get repeated.

My Brother...A man who has been through life and keeps on going. When we were growing up he made sure I that I could defend myself, that I could shoot a gun, and that I knew how to do things the right way. My brother has never had it easy but he has learned from it. Growing up I can tell you story after story of him standing up for me or making me "tougher". :) We have the GREATEST stories of fun times and I wouldn't trade my brother for anyone in the world. He didn't always like me but I always knew that he loved me. This picture makes me want to cry just thinking of the man that my brother has become. I am proud of who he is!! Besides God and my husband, my brother is tied with my dad for third place as being the greatest man in my life. Here's to my "Bubba" !

Women #7-Esther Joy Travis

It is with tears and yet joy that I write my last post on the March Challenge-celebrating women who have touched our lives. This young lady isn't a women and yet she is a testimony of what we as women should be like. This is Esther Joy Travis. By looking at her you couldn't tell that she has been fighting the last two years with cancer. A rare form of cancer that only 20% of children survive. Her page on Caring Bridge tells of her life-an entergetic 6 year old who has been diagnosed with a rare form of cancer and instead of letting it get her down she has continued to fight and to tell everyone she comes in contact with about her Saviour, Jesus Christ. At the end of last year they thought that they had kicked the cancer but it has returned and within the last couple of days her kidneys have shut down and she has been given anywhere from hours to a week left. She has continued to fight and yet she has told her parents that she is ready to go home to be with Jesus. We should all be a testimony of God's grace and mercy. If I have learned anything from this young lady it is that no matter what happens God is in control and it is worth living my life for Him whatever happens. Here's to Esther Joy. When the day comes, may you finally have the perfect, pain-free body with Jesus that you so deserve. We love you and will miss you greatly!!!

Women #6-Katherine Pierson

I don't have a picture of Katherine but I would like to go on with this one. About a month ago we went to basketball game in Hatch. The girls game went okay even though we lost but no major problems. Then came the boys game...and you know how parents can get. Well a group of praents had showed up for the boys game and sat up not far behind David and I, The game was going okay-I enjoyed watching the boys this time because they have gotten much better and it was actually a pretty good game! After half-time things started to get rough and one of the moms (an "upstanding" person in our community) started yelling at the coach "telling" him that he should use all of the players. Her son was getting to play!!! and she was still yelling at the coach from across the court! People tried telling her to sit down cause one she was being loud and two she stood the entire game so people couldn't see around her! After a little while the coaches wife-Katherine finally had to get up and had to leave cause she couldn't stand hearing it anymore. She didn't try yelling back at the lady of doing anything she just left. After the game she was standing by the door and on the way out I stopped and told her that I was sorry she had to hear all of that. Her answer..."I guess I just have to have big shoulders sometimes." That really got to me-sometimes in the ministry you just have to have "big shoulders." It's not always easy but it's not worth the arguement. So I guess this goes under "Inspires" She is a great teacher and handles things very well when people go against her husband. I hope to be more like that.

Women #5- My Girls

I know this isn't a very good picture but this is some of my inspiration. I love my teen girls. These girls inspire me to be the lady that I am suppose to be-to set an example. My life has been in such a turmoil over the last few years. It is these girls that inspire me to stay sane, to keep going, to conitue to draw closer to God. These are "My Girls".

Women #3 & #4- Melissa and Sherry

Women #3&4

Melissa Phillips

Sherry Morales

When I first thought about doing this challenge I thought of four women and these ladies are two of them. I think this falls under (and I changed it a little) "Who you wish you could spend more time with or talk to more" and "Who made you want to be a mom." Both of these ladies are wonderful!

Melissa-My sister-in-law =) When I first met her she didn't like me because she thought I wasn't right for her brother-in-law. I won her over by taking her children to the other side of the room and playing with them =) So #1-she is protective of her family and friends and once you are a part of that group very little can take you out. She is Loyal to the end! Also, the first time I got to go to their house I got to watch her in action with her kids. The boys adore their mom and respect her tremendously. I love how she is able to be mom to three boys and not lose herself in a house full of "Men" =)

Sherry-a good friend. The first time I met Sherry we were both pregnant, due around the same time. I had traveled with her sister Esther (our pastor's wife) and another friend to got to a Ladies Conference in CA while staying at Sherry's. We get there and she was so excited to see us not just Esther (who she was extremely excited to see) but all of us even though she didn't know us. She went out of her way to make Brandy and I feel at home and even though she was just as pregnant as I was she babied me the whole time! She is the most creative woman I have ever met! Her love for others is something that is seen every day.

The reason I picked these ladies is because: 1. Their families are number one in their lives. 2. They are loyal to family and friends alike and to the end. 3. Thier kids love them and aren't "ashamed" or "embarrassed" to be seen with them and love to hang out with their mom. The biggest reason? They are REAL. There is nothing fake about them. They will not put up a face for anyone but neither do they have an "I don't care" attitude. You can talk to either one of these ladies at anytime and they will be honest with you and do anything they can to help. They are REAL!! I would love to spend more time with both of them and they are the kind of moms that I want to be.

Woman #2- Marmie

Woman #2-Marmie

Okay so I talked about my number one woman =) my mom. Well here is where we both learned it from-Marmie. I love this picture cause it is a three generation picture on my wedding day. Marmie is the greatest. How do I explain her?!?! This falls under the "Who touched your life in a major way" and "Who taught you a skill that you use often." Marmie (her name is off of "Little Women" by the way) does everything! She cooks, cleans, sews, and works like a mad woman on the farm-she is: a jack of all trades. Marmie has taught me how to be a lady. She is one of the greatest hotess you will ever find. We could be sitting down for dinner and a vistor will drive in and within minutes they are sitting down with a plate full of food, eating, and not even realize it! The Skill?? Cooking-I have learned so much from standing next to her watching while she cooks for (honestly) who knows how many!! She taught me how to sew. You can take any piece of clothing to her and she can fix it, put it together and she makes the most beautiful dresses! Her house is always clean (even with the country dirt always blowing). My best memories of Marm are: riding in the Tractor and Combine with her(She always had the cleanest windows because of me) =), "doing" her hair (which included a comb, water bottle, and tons of bobbie pins) she never compained but she was always soaked by the time I was done, and her taking care of me when both of my parents had to work and I was sick. She has always been there-especially when I can't get a hold of my number one woman-my mom. So here's to Marmie!! The best Grandma in the World!

Woman #1-My Mom

Woman #1 - My mom

My mom is one of the most amazing women I know. Today I went to a track meet not only to be with my husband but to show "my" teen girls that I support them. It was alot of fun because I was "Mom" today. You know where I learned it? My Mom. My Parents were youth leaders when I was growing up and I remember my mom being the kind of woman that almost all of the teen girls would rather talk to my mom instead of their own. They all started calling her Mammy and my mom could ask anything of those girls and they would do it. My mom has always been fun to hang out with and will help anyone she can. She now cooks 9-11 weeks out of the year at a youth camp. She is not only cooking but any time she gets KPers (kids who have gotten in trouble and thier punishment is working in the kitchen) she will take the time to sit down with them and find out what is going on and witness to them. I don't know how many kids she has led to the Lord just because she took the time to sit down with them. The workers respect her and she has many "kids" besides Jerrad and I. I think that is where I get the "these are my kids" thing. But my girls know I would do anything for them and I am always here for them and I learned that from my mom. I can't always say that I am as forgiving and thoughtful as my mom but I know that I have learned from the best!!

Hi! =)

I can't seem to get on here and blog just a little bit. It always turns into "book". So I just want to say Hi! to those who read my "books" and thank you all for your comments!! Have a good week/weekend =)

Our Teens & Track Meets

David and I have been wanting to get more involved in the community, after all we are in a small town. Things have been tight money wise and so part of me getting involved was getting a job substituting at the schools (elementary only). It has been awesome! I love walking down the hall and hearing "Hi Ms. Katrina" or "Hi Ms. K." especially when I haven't been there for a week or so. It has been awesome to know that I have teachers asking for me to sub for them. I even had one teacher get mad because they took me off the list to work in her group because I had hurt my back while working with that group. So she talked to me yesterday and I explained what happened and she asked the secretary to put me back on the list. It makes me feel good to know I have been doing my best and it is paying off. I love hearing the kids tell me that I am the best sub ever. =) So this has been my way into the community and I have loved it!
For a while now people have been asking David to either become a coach for city league basketball or a ref. (which he refuses to do because he doesn't like to be the one on the receiving end of angry parents) =) I don't blame him!!! BUT...track season has started up and this is his cup of tea!! He used to be one of the best in Colorado in track and cross country. Last year we got to go to two track meets because of course the rest are far away. So far this year David and I have tried to be on the treadmill alot more. This makes him miss being in track! Yesterday David got on the treadmill before he came to pick me up from work and when he got there he told me that he was interested in working with the track team. I was excited to say the least!! So for the last two days we have been at track practice =) He has also started taking steps to become an official volunteer track coach (talking to the head of athletics, filling out forms, making a resume, and tomorrow he takes a class for certification). I am proud of him, I know this might be wishful thinking but I'm hoping that next year they will take him on full time as a track coach. It would be something that he loves, gets us more into the community, and he would be able to make a little extra money. It is nice to be able to go around town and have people recognize you and say Hi. Our teens love us-this is the original reason why he wanted to help with track-to help one of our teens get to state as a long distance runner. It's fun to be "Mom" at the track =) It is just one more way to prove our love for our teens-to prove that we are there for them! So starting this Saturday until the middle of May we will be going with the team for meets!! I am so excited!!

A Good Sunday

Things have been kind of busy around here. Like Normal. =) I keep thinking about yesterday and all that expired! I am so thankful for pastors! Our Pastor's wife had to be out of town on a family emergency so I got the experience of preparing a Sunday School Lesson, My Jr. Church Lesson and My Lesson for My Teen Girl Class on Sunday nights. It was insane-I can't imagine how much work pastors have to go through in preparing four sermons/lessons a week and trying to keep them straight. I had the honor of being able to sing twice in one day too (I've always wondered if I could do it) =) And to top it all off I got to lead one of my Jr. Church girls to the Lord!!! She got baptized a long time ago but I don't think she understood what she was doing. Last week I did a lesson on salvation and to be honest I think it was the best I have done on getting salvation across to the kids. She told me last week that she needed to be saved but I asked her to think about the lesson because of her being baptized I wanted to make sure she understood. Well this week we got done with everything and were started in on making get well cards for our pastor's daughter (poor girl got sick while her mommy was gone!!) and this little girl told one of the teen helpers that she needed to get saved. So I took her out in the hall and got to sit down with her and she understood completely what she was doing and what happened. I even had David question her afterwards to make sure. It was cool-I know it got through cause David asked her if she was to go home and lie to her mom would that mean that she had to get saved again and she said no. He asked her how she knew that and she held out her hand like she was holding a baby bird in her hand as she said, "Cause God has me in his hand." How awesome is that?!?! Over all it was a crazy but wonderful, awesome day.

Tag: I'm it

I have been tagged in photos. I was suppose to go to the sixth file and get the sixth photo-so here it is.

This is a page that a friend made for David and I. Keagen is in the middle of it. Short story is: Someone in Denver heard our story and decided to take some of the hospital pictures we had of Keagen and turn it into something special for us. Then a friend from my husbands old church took that picture and made this for us.

The friends I would tag have already been tagged ={ so I hope you enjoy the picture. =)

Here's the original done by the guy in denver

Waiting on God

Today I have been very deep in thought and I want to get it out. I was a little apprehensive about blogging about it but I just read a friends blog and it kind of deals with my thoughts.
Today I stopped the b.c. (on time mind you) but the reason I won't continue is because last month I didn't bleed at all and it kind of freaked me out. I want to get my body back on schedule and I am trying to lose weight and I think that going off b.c. and getting rid of the extra hormone will help get rid of my excess weight. I have gotten so frustrated because I can't seem to lose the weight-I wasn't able to breastfeed my son and ended up having to wrap up after he passed, and then I got "pregnant" again five months later and started gaining immediately! When I miscarried and had to go on chemo I was told to limit activity and I was always tired so I didn't feel like it anyway. Then I went on b.c. and still haven't had a lot of success losing the weight. But even more than that I know that I have at least four months left before we are able to start trying to get pregnant again. This brings alot of emotions in and of it's self. When reading my friend's blog I want to get excited. I want that excitement and happiness again-I want to look forward to all those feelings of being pregnant again but at the same time I am so scared. I can almost talk my self into never having children again. I don't know that I could handle another loss and yet I know that God won't give me more than I can handle. My husband is my other concern-I'm not sure when he will be ready. I have technically been released from both of my doctors (ob-gyn and cancer) but when I got done with chemo June of last year the cancer doctor told me that she advised that we wait at least one year she preferred two! This last December I was cleared but David and I both have peace that we are to wait till at least June-after that I have no clue... When I told my mom that I was going off b.c. she asked if she was going to be a grandma again real soon and I had to assure her that we ARE going to wait. I know that I have friends and family that are excited and awaiting for us to tell the world that we are expecting again but it doesn't stop me from worrying. David says that he would rather have me and no children than to have children and no me. I wonder when are we have going to stop being scared. When is it going to be the right time? I know, I know-God is always there and I can honestly say that my faith is stronger now than it has ever been but I can't help but wonder-when is it going to be our turn to have a dream come true...

True Peace...

OKay so I just got done talking to a dear friend who has been having trouble at work. She works at a place that I used to work at and had the same position she has. We not only talked about work but other personal issues and if I can say anything...Thank God for trials and every day life. I have had a couple of people (several of them friends) that I have been able to help just because I have been where they are at or are headed. I have always been one of those people that I would rather someone come and tell me the truth so I know what is ahead or what they expect of me. It is hard not knowing what people expect of you or what to do in situations. I also am extremly thankful for the peace that only God can give. When hard time comes it is wonderful to know that you can turn to God and wait for his answer. He always answers-it may not be easy but God will not give you a burden without giving you the grace to deal with it. Thank God for true grace and peace.

Just felt like talking

Today is so beautiful out side! and I am sitting here at the computer... =) I have wanted to blog but there isn't a whole lot to talk about and yet there is so much! We just got back on Friday from Kansas. It was one of the best trips we have ever taken! We got to spend time with my family, butcher a beef, and I got to go scrapbook for the first time in my life! I got to spend time with my sister and brother and I got to go to Garden City!! There wasn't any tension among the family and I really think we all enjoyed ourselves!
I have gotten to spend the last couple of days at home. I finally got caught up on the house work-except for the boxes of books that my mom gave David! And now I am getting restless. I want to paint but I don't want to get started in on a project that could get interrupted several times before it got finished! And I know that I need to get our guest room cleaned back up but I just don't have the energy.
David gets his stiches out on Friday and I am glad!! We haven't heard anything from the doctors yet but that is okay. From the looks of the lumps I would say they are benine and eveything is okay, it is just nice to have them checked out every few years for peace of mind.
Well I'd better get off and try to get something done-I think I might do some more scrapbooking. Now I understand why my friends-Candice and Sherry get into it so much-it's FUN! =) Anywho hope you all enjoy reading my blabbering-I just felt like blogging. Have a good day and enjoy life =)

The True Meaning of Living for Christ... Our Missionaries

I just talked to my mom on the phone and she told me that one of the greatest missionaries I have ever known passed away Dec. 30th. I had some what of a rough Sunday yesterday and have felt bad about how it all went but knew that it had to be done. Our teens in this day and age have lost all respect for each other, other poeple's things, and for authority. We have gotten a new set of teen boys in our youth group and some days they are uncrontrollable! They finally pushed me too far and I blew up last night. I can not handle blatant disrespect to adults especially when kids are trying to put adults against each other in order to get what they want. I coudn't handle it any more and finally had to be mean, when I got done have a discussion with them, I was shaking and it hurt to know that I had been pushed that far. I have been told that I am a pansie and that I never stand up for my self but that's not true! I just don't like to be mean cause I don't want people to treat me like that so I don't want to treat others like that. I have learned that people will treat you how they want to be treated...But to get back on subject =) I felt really bad about what happened last night but that doesn't match up to the hole in my heart for the loss of a dear friend (however distant the relationship was...) And everything that I have been through is nothing compared to the sacrifice that this man has given through his life and service for the God he loved with all his heart. I am ever grateful for the men and women who have given their lives for the ministry of Christ. How vain are we to think we have it so rough and fall into our pity parties when there are men out there like G.L. Baker who have suffer the worst and still gave his life to God. May my life be as full and blessed as his and may I give my best every day as we all know that this dear "little missionary" did.