Today I have been very deep in thought and I want to get it out. I was a little apprehensive about blogging about it but I just read a friends blog and it kind of deals with my thoughts.
Today I stopped the b.c. (on time mind you) but the reason I won't continue is because last month I didn't bleed at all and it kind of freaked me out. I want to get my body back on schedule and I am trying to lose weight and I think that going off b.c. and getting rid of the extra hormone will help get rid of my excess weight. I have gotten so frustrated because I can't seem to lose the weight-I wasn't able to breastfeed my son and ended up having to wrap up after he passed, and then I got "pregnant" again five months later and started gaining immediately! When I miscarried and had to go on chemo I was told to limit activity and I was always tired so I didn't feel like it anyway. Then I went on b.c. and still haven't had a lot of success losing the weight. But even more than that I know that I have at least four months left before we are able to start trying to get pregnant again. This brings alot of emotions in and of it's self. When reading my friend's blog I want to get excited. I want that excitement and happiness again-I want to look forward to all those feelings of being pregnant again but at the same time I am so scared. I can almost talk my self into never having children again. I don't know that I could handle another loss and yet I know that God won't give me more than I can handle. My husband is my other concern-I'm not sure when he will be ready. I have technically been released from both of my doctors (ob-gyn and cancer) but when I got done with chemo June of last year the cancer doctor told me that she advised that we wait at least one year she preferred two! This last December I was cleared but David and I both have peace that we are to wait till at least June-after that I have no clue... When I told my mom that I was going off b.c. she asked if she was going to be a grandma again real soon and I had to assure her that we ARE going to wait. I know that I have friends and family that are excited and awaiting for us to tell the world that we are expecting again but it doesn't stop me from worrying. David says that he would rather have me and no children than to have children and no me. I wonder when are we have going to stop being scared. When is it going to be the right time? I know, I know-God is always there and I can honestly say that my faith is stronger now than it has ever been but I can't help but wonder-when is it going to be our turn to have a dream come true...
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3 comments:
I am so glad you posted this. I am glad that people can see waht you are going through. It can help them better understand you. I know God will give the peace on your timing. I have a time frame I would like, but there are more important opinions out there than mine! You and David have always been sensitive to God's leading that I am confident this will be no different! I love you, and your son, and your children to come whenever they do! Like I've said before, "We are waiting on God's timing for kids. It's what's best for them and no one else!" I am praying that your body will have time to heal and be best prepared for the major task of pregnancy.
BTW... I love your layout!
=] I believe in you. I believe that if you truly want to reach your goal of getting back to "normal" you will. I believe that when you and bro. david are ready, you will have a sense of peace about conceiving. I also believe that we have to do our part if we want for God to do His...
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